Being a genuine nut

                                        I am a genuine nut.
                        Not like an acorn or a pistachio (oh i WISH)

A genuine genuine fruit and nut.

I can never seem to feel average inside, 

I'm either compleeeeeeetely buzzing about something, so much that my feet feel funny, or on the dark side of the moon, all gollum style, spitting hatred into my head.

I can't explain it properly really. It feels like i'm not real, and i'm watching everything from a distance.

When i'm buzzing it's great, don't get me wrong. I feel like I can take on the whole world!!

It's magic and I love everyone and everything!

everything seems better, more colourful, more amazing, more beautiful!!

But then there's the bad times. I call them the Miseries.

Nothing feels right. It's hard to explain. It makes me hate everything about myself.

My face doesn't feel like its mine, which is odd, because it blates is!!

The way I talk, the way I hold myself, the way I make mash potato, just everything! 

silly little things

nothing seems right at all!!

Its like there's something rotten lodged in my head sending out waves of evil from time to time.

It's not all the time, but it's hard to be around people when it happens.

I tend to just get up and go with out explanation when it does happen. It looks really really rude when I do it.

How would you feel if some one who seemed perfectly fine one minute just got up and left with out explaining what was wrong??

Shit.

Which makes how I feel worse, I'm overly aware of how I make other people feel.

It's a big deal in my head to make sure that everyone is okay and I don't make them feel bad.

I have many a many a coping strategy.

I've had this foul rotten thing lodged in my head as far back as I can remember, there's only been a couple of times when i've completely lost the plot.

When I feel like i'm losing it, I do EVERYTHING i can to hold on to happiness. Whenever I feel a wave coming I try and do something happy or dramatic, like:

Dye my hair

Get a tattoo

Do a bit of a mental painting or drawing

Get my mates around me, misery defenders and mischief makers!!

go on very very long walks

get to the sea, throw away evil stuff

go photographing, to remember why the world is good

remember the little happy things, 

spend time with a cat

anything to forget how self absorbing and tiresome being a misery can be!!!

I think a lot of people have problems like this, it's just a matter of controlling it. Control is a big issue in my life, I don't like situations where I can't control what's about to happen, like throwing up, getting injections, going to the dentist..... so on and so on.

But I'm learning to lose it.

Just go with the flow baby.

Don't worry about things you can't control, and eeeverything should be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Big Think

I lead a silly life at the moment. I live on a farming estate surrounded by bison men you see....

When i'm here I can get on with my own thing, do a painting, a dancey in the kitchen, chat with the cat and what not. But when I'm here, i want not to be here! I want to be dancing with beautiful people, laughing with folk about stupid noises, at a gig wiggling to musics or being tipsy chatting poo to some one who understands poo!! I want to be pushed around in a trolley like the good old days. Care free and boozed up!

But when i'm NOT here, I want to be here!! I feel a bit lost with out all my things. I don't know what to take with me when I leave here because I don't know how long i'll be away for. I want to be a snail so I can carry all my paint on my back. I know i need to move out, closer to where there's work..... but i need enough work fiirst.
                           I've been thinking about uni again. But I don't think                     it's the right time to.

I neeeeeed to need to learn to drive. It'll open up so many avenues and pathways that I can stride down merrily. I need some courage and lots of lots of cash! I want something to drive to before I learn to drive though. That's why i've been thinking about Uniiiiii. If i 'm honest i do want a degree in something. I want to have something that other people want. If some one says "please could you do me an album cover" I want to be able to go "WELL YES!! let me just pop onto my apple mac and mash something up from this painting and this photo on photoshop and shazam! there you go" instead of my usual "mmmmmmmmmaybe what were you thinking cos i've got nothing"...... I want to be a whizz kid. Computers MESS with my mind though. I bummed out of two different degrees. One year of fine art and half a mash of illustration. I need to start clean over again at something and do it right properly. Concentrate my fullest, don't get distracted by pretty boys (oh but but but BUT!!) and learn learn learn!! driving will help.HONEST.

              How's the art going?? considering it's the bane of my life and the whole reason i'd consider doing uni again, s'okay. Been trying different things. I have a tonnnnnnn of art books i've never read.

 I need to get my beady eye on them, chat with other arty folk. I wish there was some kind of arty community meeting place of paint around here. Maybe I should pull my finger out and try and organise one!!!! There's doodleplanet in chester, but it always eludes me, i never know when it is!!!!! I need inspiring.  like looking at this ladies work  Music inspires me, people and noises, places and sounds. I get sooooo inspired but it fizzles out really quick because I'm not always in the right place!! I carry so many notebooks around, its mad.

What I need is a big old think, a chat with some friends and plenty of dancing. Until then, I shall let the old imagination go mad.

you complete me!!

Oh my days. I sincerely do not know what I would do without my mates. Honest Badgers. They inspire me, make me laugh, treat me nice and everything!! My friends make me who I am and I'm so grateful for that. The whole entire world seems to be having a crap couple of months at the moment, I just hope the world has friends as good as mine!!!
         It properly warms me cockles when my friends, who have equally traumatic and difficult lives, take that little time out to check on me, just a phone call, a text or a quick email to say "y'oookaaay??? how you coping??" it really means a lot. It's so easy to lose contact with people these days, everyones off on their own life missions and I just seem to be stuck in the starting blocks, I'm the scared shitless horse with blinkers on screaming "naaaoooo make it stop!!" and the jockey on my back is going mental with the whip stick "geeetttoouuutaaa heerrreee!"
           I started a new job a couple of months ago with a friend, she has since gone on to bigger and better things (i'm not bitter, i'm well happy for her, yeah. Biatch.) Since she walked out of my life, i mean left, left,  I've noticed how easy it is to go your life with out actually connecting with anyone. Sure I talk to people, in passing, but they're just shallow little interfaces, a smile poorly blu-tacked onto a balloon bobbing on a string. It's like those people who give fake hugs, they don't mean anything and they don't make you feel any better or more loved, like a big fat air "fuck off".
          Is it too much to ask that people actually give a shit when they talk to other humans? I feel like a right numpty trying to start up a conversation but falling into the gaping void that is "empty chit chat". It's like taking a leap of faith and ending up a good five feet short of the mark. If some one has taken the effort to come up to me and have a go at conversing isn't it only right that I give them fair opportunity to speak?? Fair enough that not everyone who comes up to talk will have wondrous conversational skills, or will in fact have anything to offer other than sheer faith that whatever they have to say simply has to be heard. My brother always used to say that I talked too much, and I would say "you don't talk enough", to which he would reply, "I like to wait until I actually have something worth saying instead of talking a load of bollocks like you do"......If i didn't talk all that bollocks though, it would get stuck in my head, I know because I never used to talk to people, I was scared to, and the times I managed to pluck up the courage to spit a few words out it would just be pure, utter CRAP. So i think everyone deserves the opportunity to air their shit.
           If only I had the power of Dizraeli.... The first time I saw him, was like, a big old warm mental hug on my brain. I was drenched to the core at this festival, I walked into a tent to get away from the watery sky and within seconds my attention was on him. He's a normal man, like you or I, but he's SO captivating!!! I walked in as he began a piece titled "Maria" and oh my days, took my breath away. I just felt so involved in everything he was saying, felt all the emotions in every word he said. It's like he was a master of words, able to control them in such a magical way that everybody understood what he was saying and how he meant it. Absolutely bloody marvelous!!

This video isn't the best, and doesn't truly do the man justice, for that you would have to go and see him live, and i HIGHLY highly recommend it. He's touring at the moment with his band The Small Gods. Look him up, you will not be disappointed.
           I feel like the new kid at school at the moment, everyone else has their own social circle, but my social circle has all disbanded and entered new circles!! I'm a bit shy when it comes to the bones of it, but I do sometimes shock myself with how far i've come in terms of putting myself out into social situations. A couple of years ago I would have sat in a corner and be done with it, I'm finding now, especially with a little beer aid, that I can go up to people I don't know very well or at all and talk to them. I just need to fling myself out there and get in on some social action. I miss my friends ever ever so much, i really really miss having people to talk to, about anything really, the weather, cats, social political news and things, the colour of shit even!! Anything!! Because at the end of the day, all we all need is a proper good hug, and that feeling that some ones listening to your bullshit. I miss this so so much, but i'll find it again, some day!

doooo a little doodle

RECENT times have bought a rain of epiphanies and brain waves.
          This year has started off teeerrrrribly!!! i haven't heard a dash of good news! not a dash!! it's caused my brain to go into a terrible downwards spiral of misery, self hate and other abominable self absorbing ridiculousnesses.
    But then you get the by-product of the miseries, the cheeries!! The dancing in the kitchen with the cat, the telling yourself jokes in the mirror (they do make me laugh), making up stories about people who come into the Maxx (the other day there was a sea worn captain of a pirate boat helping his wench purrr chase a floral what not for the sea peoples knees up later that evening, lovely) and doodling, lots of doodling!!
     The doodling, OH the doodling, is taking on a new meaning in my brain. Before, doodling was something to cheer myself up or vent, in a character mostly, but i've been stuck on characters for YEAAAARS!! i remember when i was a young lass, i used to do so many weird drawings, of everything and nothing all at once, they would just tuuuuumble out onto the page in strange and odd ways.
                              But I'm in a rut, a ruddy big rut.

I've done fat odd characters to death!!! bug eyes and throwing up things!!! sure that was in my emetaphobia stage where EVERYTHING in my life circled around "not doing things that might make you vom" (basically fun things like eating weird foods, going on roller coasters, rollie pollies and drinking too much damn beer) but i have to have more than that!! And then there's the teeth, I do a lot of teeth. Terrified of the dentist I am. so a lot of my drawings are about fear. Boo hoo this and Boooo Hoooooo that. Pretty damn ridiculous really.
                           I need to grow some BALLS!
There are so many things in the world!! so many joyful, heart warming lovely things!! Like old people holding hands, or that feeling you get when you see some one you like, somewhere between utter horror and sheer excitement!! Safe happy feelings, love and laughter! I'm a complete sissy inside, the one thing i want mooooore than aaaaaaaanything at the moment is to have a purpose, just to wake up in the morning and be able to think "right i better go and do this because if  i don't, the world will fricking break!", even if that thing is mucking out pigs or putting lenses on street lights or hugging old people!! I want a calling.

But I don't want to be a daaarn emo about it ^^^^^^ And if i have to draw about it, I want it to be in a darn good way. A darn interesting, mysterious way mate. I let my mind proper wonder this week, all over lots of pages, doing patterns like i used to, running in and out of things, hiding inky secrets in dotty mashed up imaginings, and then i shoved some paint in it. I have no idea what i'm on about, but basically I'm progressing, moving on, looking on the bright side, keeping me chin up and me pants on!!

What i most deffffs need to do is get more music in my life, that's always a good brain stimulator, maybe some audio books, some kind of intellectual sssssstuff! And get back to being MYSELF!! oh my days!! what with all the hell that's gone on in the last couple of months, I've quite forgotten how to be weird and spontaneous, I've turned into a clingy, whiny annoying old cow!! I'm still angry at myself for letting a whole person take over my mind. I didn't even notice it happening until it had, if that makes sense, i just looked in a mirror one day, didn't recognise myself and panicked!  But enough of that, that's buried in the garden with all the other awkward stages like "puberty", "the first time i got my tits out" and "do you remember what you did last night?? no? it's for the best".....


                     so to summarise......... go mad. Thanks.