Not like an acorn or a pistachio (oh i WISH)
A genuine genuine fruit and nut.
I can never seem to feel average inside,
I'm either compleeeeeeetely buzzing about something, so much that my feet feel funny, or on the dark side of the moon, all gollum style, spitting hatred into my head.
I can't explain it properly really. It feels like i'm not real, and i'm watching everything from a distance.
When i'm buzzing it's great, don't get me wrong. I feel like I can take on the whole world!!
It's magic and I love everyone and everything!
everything seems better, more colourful, more amazing, more beautiful!!
But then there's the bad times. I call them the Miseries.
Nothing feels right. It's hard to explain. It makes me hate everything about myself.
My face doesn't feel like its mine, which is odd, because it blates is!!
The way I talk, the way I hold myself, the way I make mash potato, just everything!
silly little things
nothing seems right at all!!
Its like there's something rotten lodged in my head sending out waves of evil from time to time.
It's not all the time, but it's hard to be around people when it happens.
I tend to just get up and go with out explanation when it does happen. It looks really really rude when I do it.
How would you feel if some one who seemed perfectly fine one minute just got up and left with out explaining what was wrong??
Shit.
Which makes how I feel worse, I'm overly aware of how I make other people feel.
It's a big deal in my head to make sure that everyone is okay and I don't make them feel bad.
I have many a many a coping strategy.
I've had this foul rotten thing lodged in my head as far back as I can remember, there's only been a couple of times when i've completely lost the plot.
When I feel like i'm losing it, I do EVERYTHING i can to hold on to happiness. Whenever I feel a wave coming I try and do something happy or dramatic, like:
Dye my hair
Get a tattoo
Do a bit of a mental painting or drawing
Get my mates around me, misery defenders and mischief makers!!
go on very very long walks
get to the sea, throw away evil stuff
go photographing, to remember why the world is good
remember the little happy things,
spend time with a cat
anything to forget how self absorbing and tiresome being a misery can be!!!
I think a lot of people have problems like this, it's just a matter of controlling it. Control is a big issue in my life, I don't like situations where I can't control what's about to happen, like throwing up, getting injections, going to the dentist..... so on and so on.
But I'm learning to lose it.
Just go with the flow baby.
Don't worry about things you can't control, and eeeverything should be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
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