This year has started off teeerrrrribly!!! i haven't heard a dash of good news! not a dash!! it's caused my brain to go into a terrible downwards spiral of misery, self hate and other abominable self absorbing ridiculousnesses.
But then you get the by-product of the miseries, the cheeries!! The dancing in the kitchen with the cat, the telling yourself jokes in the mirror (they do make me laugh), making up stories about people who come into the Maxx (the other day there was a sea worn captain of a pirate boat helping his wench purrr chase a floral what not for the sea peoples knees up later that evening, lovely) and doodling, lots of doodling!!
The doodling, OH the doodling, is taking on a new meaning in my brain. Before, doodling was something to cheer myself up or vent, in a character mostly, but i've been stuck on characters for YEAAAARS!! i remember when i was a young lass, i used to do so many weird drawings, of everything and nothing all at once, they would just tuuuuumble out onto the page in strange and odd ways.
But I'm in a rut, a ruddy big rut.
I've done fat odd characters to death!!! bug eyes and throwing up things!!! sure that was in my emetaphobia stage where EVERYTHING in my life circled around "not doing things that might make you vom" (basically fun things like eating weird foods, going on roller coasters, rollie pollies and drinking too much damn beer) but i have to have more than that!! And then there's the teeth, I do a lot of teeth. Terrified of the dentist I am. so a lot of my drawings are about fear. Boo hoo this and Boooo Hoooooo that. Pretty damn ridiculous really.
I need to grow some BALLS!
There are so many things in the world!! so many joyful, heart warming lovely things!! Like old people holding hands, or that feeling you get when you see some one you like, somewhere between utter horror and sheer excitement!! Safe happy feelings, love and laughter! I'm a complete sissy inside, the one thing i want mooooore than aaaaaaaanything at the moment is to have a purpose, just to wake up in the morning and be able to think "right i better go and do this because if i don't, the world will fricking break!", even if that thing is mucking out pigs or putting lenses on street lights or hugging old people!! I want a calling.
But I don't want to be a daaarn emo about it ^^^^^^ And if i have to draw about it, I want it to be in a darn good way. A darn interesting, mysterious way mate. I let my mind proper wonder this week, all over lots of pages, doing patterns like i used to, running in and out of things, hiding inky secrets in dotty mashed up imaginings, and then i shoved some paint in it. I have no idea what i'm on about, but basically I'm progressing, moving on, looking on the bright side, keeping me chin up and me pants on!!
What i most deffffs need to do is get more music in my life, that's always a good brain stimulator, maybe some audio books, some kind of intellectual sssssstuff! And get back to being MYSELF!! oh my days!! what with all the hell that's gone on in the last couple of months, I've quite forgotten how to be weird and spontaneous, I've turned into a clingy, whiny annoying old cow!! I'm still angry at myself for letting a whole person take over my mind. I didn't even notice it happening until it had, if that makes sense, i just looked in a mirror one day, didn't recognise myself and panicked! But enough of that, that's buried in the garden with all the other awkward stages like "puberty", "the first time i got my tits out" and "do you remember what you did last night?? no? it's for the best".....
so to summarise......... go mad. Thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment